Filthy Pirate Songs

I never heard a real, good, filthy pirate song until July of 2013.

Filthy limericks? Yes. Written a filthy tune or two? Yes. But a real, good, filthy pirate song? Nope, not really. Not at all.

But, there I was, reunited with my on-again off-again folk music compadre of 20 years, on a 2-week camp-out at a hippie/pagan/new age/tree-hugger festival, sitting around a campfire at night while everyone BEGGED Kevin to break out his filthy pirate songs.

We were there with a full band who had never all met in person until we all arrived there near the shores of Lake Erie. We were contracted to play two shows over two weeks and we were getting handsomely compensated. Further, we had agreed to practice in public next door to the best food concession daily in exchange for dinner every evening. Also did I mention we were getting PAID??!!

It really was one of the sweetest gigs ever. First of all it was always a treat to play with Kevin, but he had outdone himself putting the band together. The drummer and singer were among the best I have ever played with on bass. The drummer was studying percussion (emphasis on jazz) in Kansas and the singer was a Berklee College of Music candidate for their Masters of Vocal Performance program – and she played a mean rhythm guitar as well. I kid you not when I say we were smokin’….

If you have read many of my past stories about my folk music exploits, you might remember that nudity was usually involved. Kevin was in every one of those scenarios – though this is the first time I’ve named him (and I have changed the name to protect the….innocent…or sump’n).

Well, surprise, surprise! The entire festival site was clothing-optional!

Usually when I say that, I can tell the listener is envisioning nothing but completely naked lingerie models and NFL quarterbacks scampering about suggestively and lasciviously from one orgy to the next. This is not the case. Not at all. My experience with public nudity really isn’t vast, but it goes way back. All I can say is that the nudity one DOES find at such events is not the kind ordinarily sought after by the lecherous and is unlikely to cause arousal in anyone. Anyway, there is an ethic among those who live that lifestyle, and newcomers are made aware of it with no exceptions. Those who think they have entered the land of easy meat are soon disavowed of that notion and quickly removed if need be.

So there we were, late at night in the woods around a campfire – about a dozen of us. Most of us had known Kevin from his days as a popular Renaissance Fair musician. I missed that whole phase of his career, but that’s where his fame as a purveyor of filthy pirate songs came from. This crowd wanted their filthy pirate songs and weren’t taking no for an answer!

There is something about the combination of folk music and absolutely blisteringly deviant sexual content that is irresistible and oddly satisfying. And Kevin had honed his delivery over the years to a fine point. If you’ve never heard one performed live before, it is like nothing else you’ve ever seen. Even the seasoned may blush at first – or throughout – but you always find yourself hoping there’s another verse even filthier than the last! Or maybe that’s just me. Whatever…

So, you may be wondering what brought all this up. Glad you asked!

It was a very recent father and son moment about The World’s Filthiest Limerick. You know the one: the infamous Nantucket. Anyway, he’d heard it hinted at before, but had never heard any more than the first innocuous line – and that was from a Spongebob episode ages ago. So, we had that moment and the laughter and the blushing was epic. And then I recalled the filthy pirate songs. And that gave me a great idea!

I would like to engage those among you who are willing to enter into a contest-like arrangement with me.

I will learn, practice and perform LIVE (for any who care to attend) a real, good, filthy pirate song. Of course this may be brimming with foul language of the worst sort. Of course this may mention all the most unmentionable of body parts and sexual acts in the coarsest of terms. But it wouldn’t be a filthy pirate song if it didn’t.

There is a subtext here as well, that I might as well mention. This performance, once it becomes a part of the public record (having been broadcast over the internet) will end for all time any chance that I might someday take leave of my senses and decide to run for public office. It is a step that needs taking!

So, here’s the contest part:

If I gain twenty new Patreon patrons (currently there are 2) or a total of 50 additional dollars (there are currently 10) by the end of November IT IS ON!!!

This means that even those who don’t have the resources to do so personally can still help bring this abomination into the world by wheedling, cajoling, influencing, persuading, demanding, begging or threatening all the filthy-minded in their lives to become a patron of The Merry Jaynz.

I know, I know…if successful, this plan will raise the overall level of moral turpitude of the statistically average Merry Jaynz fan. We know it may invite scorn from the self-described “righteous” (hopefully the Westboro Baptist Church). We know we may never realize our secret dream of performing to a clothing-optional crowd at St . Peter’s Square in Vatican City.

But, hey, people forget. Just look at the last U.S. election!

You can check out our Patreon channel here:

https://www.patreon.com/themerryjaynz

When this contest helps us reach our goal, the live broadcast will be scheduled through and view-able on Patreon. Plus there is already some cool stuff up there – and some Patron-only stuff that can only be experienced by patrons. Both of them….for now!

Peace!

-Tom

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